The Ayahuasca Diaries part 3
Third journey ‐ 40mls May 23rd 2k15
My third journey with Ayahuasca was vastly different to the first two.
After pouring the liquid into the small measuring glass, I took a sip. I could still taste the sweet fruitiness but this time it was edged with a not too unpleasant bitterness.
I drank the remainder of the glass and returned the bottle to the cupboard and went outside to blow some smoke.
While sitting on the step I heard a voice say ‐ this will be your last journey. What is your greatest fear?
My greatest fear? I didn’t know how to answer. Was it dying in my home with my young son in the next room, to have him find me lifeless in the morning. Imagine the trauma inflicted upon him. How long would it be before someone discovered the tragedy. I have no fear of death, I added. Rather it is the fear for my son.
That was all I could answer. Fears are not a common thing for me. I don’t like spiders, but a fear suggests something more than eight legs.
Tonight you are going to go higher than anyone before. You will not die tonight. You are going to go high the voice said.
I went back inside and turned off the lights. I laid in bed under the warm covers. I waited.
Coming in from the distance I could hear the noise of chaos. It was somewhat organized, reminding me of some Tibetan ceremonies I recall only as faint memories. Perhaps something I’d watched on a documentary, or seen in a dream many years ago.
The chaos drew closer and soon filled my room. It had long arms. No head. There were no eyes except for the ones inside all things.
The room changed, filled with strands of a pattern. To me the pattern appeared disturbed, interrupted. Not a pure natural organic form. It was mimicking something.
Ahh ‐ royalty ‐ the voice said. You are royalty. You are the queen. That is why you’re allowed here. The Queen of what? I replied. But I received no answer.
The chaos and its music continued, pervading everything. On its song it’s telling me its secrets, but they were nothing I didn’t already know. It showed me its tentacles reaching into the oceans, forming coral… I already know this, I said.
I could tell this chaos was alien to some degree.
But aren’t we all alien? Merely using that word already creates a separation between us and the thing which we perceive as being alien. I said. This is not new information.
There was a pulsing to this chaos. The nerve endings in my teeth were firing, it hurt a little and it was in synch with the pulsations. I think of those scenes from Baraka – the twitching caterpillars, the circle of men sitting with their jazz hands thrusting as though they were one.
After some time I asked what it was, and I received no answer.
I asked if it was the creator of souls and it seemed delighted ‐ oh yes! I create the souls. See ‐ watch like this. I watched, and it didn’t seem right. The chaos was simply putting parts of itself inside bodies and sending them forth into the world. Those parts weren’t souls. They weren’t unique. To me, this seemed like a lie or an illusion.
That’s insane ‐ I said to the chaos. You’re not learning anything by doing that. If you are the creator of souls, who made you? I asked. I received no reply, except for a strange silence, like a shock.
The Chaos resided close to the earth, he gave me the impression that this was the location he looked after, and that there were other ones just like him on other planets, in other sectors. He gave me the impression that the earth realm was mine. It was my realm. That I was a most perfect hybrid, unlike any seen before.
I listened to the song for a bit longer and began to grow bored.
You’re not telling me anything new! Why don’t you go away and let me continue on my journey. You’re interfering with my journey.
I got up from my bed and walked around a little. The effects faded into the background and I sat for a while in silence in the lounge room. I tinkered a bit with my phone.
I returned to my bed, and slowly the chaos and its music returned, this time it was stronger. I was in a different part of the universe this time. It felt to be the middle of deep space. Apparently this new chaos, or madness as I’ll refer to it was the great cosmic one. That’s how it introduced itself.
It didn’t have a head or body. It was a million tentacles on each side of a central bit. It tumbled and twirled, its tentacles penetrated everything in our physical realm. But it appeared in front of the universe backdrop. It didn’t emanate from it.
Are you the creator of the creator of souls I asked. Oh yes. I am the great cosmic one, I made everything.
As I see the tentacles penetrate my body, my physicalness, and distort it beyond recognition, it dawned on me that whilst it may seem that this madness was in all of me, there was one part where it was not.
Ahh ‐ the philosopher! It said, delighted.
I already knew I was an esoteric philosopher in my immediate past life, I’d learnt this before Ayahuasca.
Yes! I said, smirking. It’s me guys!
I began to hear a lot of air traffic over my house, like planes and the sorts. This was highly unusual.
What am I Queen of? I asked the madness.
You were the one who first carried the star inside you, when the earth was born. You are celestial royalty, the madness said.
But aren’t we all? I replied
No. It said. Just you.
I don’t believe you. I said
How many have you merged with before? I asked it, no longer sensing my body. Oh, not many. Not many come here, this is why I am going to show you everything.
I listened some more to the madness and the same Tibetan style chaos music, realizing I’d already had these dreams before, in this life before Ayahuasca. When, I couldn’t remember.
So who made you? I asked.
You did. The madness replied. You made me.
I pondered on this interesting conundrum.
Then I want you to stop. I want you to go away. You don’t belong here, you’re hurting everyone causing harm and suffering. You’re hurting the earth.
I could see the madness’ tentacles penetrating the earth, as though it were a parasite, feeding off her and the people below. Causing problems.
Do you want me to end all life? The madness said, almost like a threat.
I thought about this for a moment. I had wondered for many years why life continues in its dance of madness. Why it was perpetuating itself into oblivion, into death, harming not only the people, but raping the earth in the process. I had often thought about ending life, at least ending all suffering.
I remembered the great earth mother placing a part of her inside me. I remembered what the madness said ‐ about carrying the star that gave birth to the earth.
I have the power to end all life ‐ the madness said. But I created you ‐ didn’t I? I said to the madness. Yes, you did.
Then yes, I want you to end all life.
The madness was shocked. What!! What about your life, your stories ‐ no one will read them.
That doesn’t matter, I said. They won’t know that they missed out. They won’t know that anything has happened. They will simply cease to be, but they will all be free of you. You won’t be able to hurt them anymore. Their suffering will be over.
But you’ll become nothing ‐ the madness said
I already am nothing. It’s the one thing that I can say and believe and you can’t ‐ I’m nothing.
Go on ‐ I said to the madness, I dare you ‐ say I’m nothing. Say it over and over.
I’m nothing!! I’m nothing The madness said repeatedly. I could see his tentacles turning black, dying and retreating.
You see madness ‐ you don’t have a soul. It’s the one place you’re not. You’re not in my soul. You’ve not shown me anything new. You’ve not proved yourself to be the creator of souls. If I created you when the earth was born, then you did not receive a soul. I can say I’m nothing and know it. You don’t know how to ‐ because you’ve never actually been. You’ve never existed. You don’t have life, a soul. You don’t have love. You’re perpetuating madness, and that’s not learning anything.
Right now madness, I’m the only one who knows what you’ve done. I’m the only one who has seen and who has the memory of your contamination of the earth, and that’s all you are ‐ a memory. I am nothing, so I’ve even forgotten you already.
Before saying this I had heard the words ‐ reduce it to a singularity, Nano, nano, nano.
I could see the madness dying, fading away from the earth. The chaos song was fading too.
The madness reduced to a small collection of particle bubbles. I removed the thread of its possibility from the earths fabric, from all people. I removed it from myself. The madness could never be recreated, not from memory or anything associated with it. I can never return or be remade.
It began to fold in on itself, reducing further and further to nothing before it completely ceased to have ever existed.
The earth can now restore its natural balance. The natural lore can exist intact, without this external interference. The healing must begin.
I felt sorry for having created the madness. How had this gone on unchecked for so long. How had it not been dealt with earlier.
On the earth I saw many of those dark entities – those hungry ghosts, those troubled souls, ghosts of negativity. Their master now gone. I opened the doorway to the spirit realm and called the amnesty. There is no judgement in the spirit realm. No matter how long you’ve been out, how bad you’ve become, you can still go home. They flooded through the entrance. Some have stayed behind. That’s the natural balance I suppose.
In the morning, my son brought me a present. It was a minecraft LEGO world, with one of my scarves wrapped upon it.
Here mummy ‐ he said ripping off the scarf in delight. It’s our world! He shrieked in pure joy! Here it is, it’s our world, it’s our home! This little scene resembled remarkably what I saw last night. As though the scarf was the madness, covering our world almost to the point of total consumption. The scarf is gone, and underneath is our beautiful sacred home.
This journey lasted over 4hours. Once the madness had vaporized, I was still in the effects of Ayahuasca. It was a peace or bliss. A coming into understanding. I could still see patterns, yet they were more natural.
I went outside to blow smoke and for the first time in years, there were more stars in the sky, as though the sky appeared clearer.
I felt my Dad around. I got that hug.
Of all the 3 journeys, I have not had an Ayahuasca purge. The first journey lasted between 45‐60mins
The second close to 90mins
All three journeys were different, yet this last one was radically so.
I’ve no idea how to reconcile this last journey, let alone what I experienced in the second journey.
Is Ayahuasca something that merely enhances that which is in our subconscious? Enhancing our imaginations? Is it a fabrication.
Is it real?
Wouldn’t that be cool if it was real!!
Emma S. – Queensland, Australia
Next Read: Ayahuasca and My Surrender – Cassie A. – Florida, USA